The Divorce Dilemma

By Karen Genisot
Divorce has become pandemic. Hardly a person can be found that hasn’t been affected by it either directly or indirectly.  Many marriages seem to have become more of a battleground than a place of harmony.  Each year around the world there are millions of divorces and along with that are many crushed men, women, and children.  The “no fault” divorce laws make divorce nearly as easy as marriage, and things don’t get any better for second marriages—60-75% of second marriages end in divorce.

With that said, how do you decide whether divorce is the right decision for you?  Is it ever too late to mend a broken relationship?  What if your spouse doesn’t want to work on the relationship?  Can solutions be found for your marital problems?  Would doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t be enough?  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  If one person makes a change, can the relationship get better?  There are so many questions that go through a person’s mind when they begin to contemplate whether to work on the marriage or file for divorce. Decisions may become overwhelming and confusing, but you don’t have to make this decision alone.

The decision to get divorced or remain together and work things out is one of the most important decisions a married person will ever make.  It is crucial when considering divorce to anticipate what lies ahead in order to make an informed decision. Many people who have followed through with divorce have regretted not giving the marriage one last try, not fully realizing the real and painful impact that divorce would have on their life—finances, housing, in-law relationships, friendships, hobbies, work, costly court and custody battles, etc. Not to mention the impact divorce has on children. Many people who have gone through divorce would tell you that divorce is no magical solution.

If you are in the same boat as millions of Americans and contemplating divorce, here are some things to consider:  You CAN change your marriage by changing yourself.  You can look for and break destructive patterns of interaction.  You can stop trying to change your spouse and take care of yourself.  You can find ways to improve your communication.  You can choose to look for the positives in your spouse instead of dwelling on the negatives. You can choose to forgive and heal from past hurts.  You can seek out resources to assist you in exploring marriage and divorce.

Not all marriages can be saved, but what if yours could? Now is an opportunity to create the relationship you’ve wanted with your spouse, and your Employee Assistance Program can help. We have counselors all over Central Wisconsin and the Fox Valley who are trained in marriage and couples counseling, and can help you get your marriage back on track. EAP services are free to you and your immediate family members, and always confidential. Call today to talk to a counselor near you.

Here’s to a long and happy marriage!

Parts Taken from “Divorce Busting” by Michele Weiner-Davis  

Maintaining Good Mental Health

In order to describe mental health it is important to understand mental illness. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) states that “A mental illness is a condition that impacts a person's thinking, feeling or mood and may affect his or her ability to relate to others and function on a daily basis.”

Let’s look at the two most common mental illnesses; anxiety and depression. Anxiety is excessive worry over specific things—like spiders or snakes—or general things, like whether you turned off the stove, locked the door, will be late for work, will trip over your shoelace, etc. This kind of anxiety is called generalized anxiety. Anxiety often goes hand in hand with depression. Depression can be described as feelings of hopelessness and sadness for two weeks or more. Other types of mental disorders may include drug or alcohol abuse, severe mood swings called bi-polar disorder, memory disorders like Alzheimer’s disease, or sensory processing disorders like autism. Just as there is a vast array of medical conditions that a person may experience, mental illnesses also have a broad range of types, symptoms, and onset.

So how does a person get a mental illness? There’s no definitive answer that describes every person and every illness. Most mental illnesses, such as alcoholism or bi-polar disorder, have a genetic factor, meaning that they are more likely to run in families. Genetics isn’t the only determining factor, though. Some illness happen in response to situational stressors—like losing a dear loved one and falling into deep depression, or being overly stressed and developing anxiety. Some illnesses appear in response to childhood abuse, trauma, or neglect, and some illnesses occur due to environmental toxins that interrupt normal brain development.  

There are many different environmental, behavioral, and situational conditions that can bring about mental illness, and the bad news is that some of them can’t be avoided. The good news, however, is that every person has the ability to live the best life they can to keep mental and physical illness at bay. The most important things to do (and I know you’ve heard this before) is get adequate sleep and rest, engage in regular physical exercise, and eat a healthy diet. Research shows that people who live a healthy lifestyle tend to have fewer health problems—both physical and mental—stronger interpersonal relationships, and a more positive outlook on life.

If you have more questions about mental health, mental illness, or ways to keep your mind and body healthy, see if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program benefit, or call Employer Solutions EAP at 800-540-3758. EAP staff can answer your questions and help you make a free and confidential appointment with a licensed counselor.

Be well!

Work-Life Balance This Summer

By Sylvia Lee

Even though summer brings to mind thoughts of vacations, relaxation, family activities, and fun in the sun, it also teaches once again that work-life balance can be hard to find and maintain, regardless of the season.

For those with families, you may discover that having children means you are always busy, even when school isn't in session. Getting the children to school activities is replaced during the summer by shuttling them to camps, summer sporting events, dental appointments that you put off during the school year, child care, and swimming lessons.  When everyone in the family seems to be heading in a different direction and your work life makes demands, it can be difficult to maintain the work-life balance.

Work-life balance is a reminder of the importance of staying focused on what you're doing, whether you are at work or at home. Some tips to maintaining work life balance are:

•        Build downtime into your schedule. When you plan your week, make it a point to schedule time with your family and friends, and activities that help you recharge. If you have something to look forward on your schedule it adds an extra incentive to manage your time well so you don't have to cancel.
•        Drop activities that sap your time or energy. Take stock of activities that don't enhance your career or personal life, and minimize the time you spend on them.
•         Rethink your errands. Consider whether you can outsource any of your time-consuming household chores or errands. Delegate tasks so that your attention can be focused where it needs to be.
•         Get moving. It's hard to make time for exercise when you have a jam-packed schedule, but it may ultimately help you get more done by boosting your energy level and ability to concentrate.
•         Remember that a little relaxation goes a long way. Don't assume that you need to make big changes to bring more balance to your life.  Set realistic goals so as not to overwhelm yourself.

It is not uncommon to occasionally find your mind wandering, especially in the days right before vacation or when your family is doing something fun while you are at the office.  Similarly you may catch yourself thinking about a problem at work — or, even worse, checking your email on your phone — when you are at home and should be focused on time with your family. Many people face similar struggles as they try to be truly "present," both while at work and at home with family. If you find that this is a struggle and you would like some extra support in managing your work-like balance call EAP, we can help. 800-540-3758

Introducing EAP

Life is busy, right? That's a no brainer. But your EAP wants to help. We know that you have full-time jobs, soccer practice, meals to plan, flute lessons, church night, doctor's appointments, cleaning, volunteering, bills to pay, cars to maintain, home improvement projects, and that ever elusive sleep to catch up on--to name a few. When life gets stressful sometimes making an appointment with an EAP counselor is just "one more thing" you have on your list of things to do. We understand that, and while there is no equal to having one whole hour just for yourself to vent or cry or problem solve about the concerns in your life, sometimes it's just too much. 

So here we are, blogging for you. We want to help you address the stress in your life in a way that's easy and convenient for you. We'll be creating frequent blogs that address everything from work/life balance, marriage, parenting, substance abuse, finances and so much more. If all you have time for is a quick glance through a post to get some resources and tips on ways to make life go smoother, then that's what we'll give you. So for any issue you may have going on in your life, check out our blog posts to get real answers and insights from EAP counselors who want to help!

If you have a question you would like answered in one of our blogs, please e-mail your question to eap@ministryhealth.org. All blog inquiries will remain anonymous.

Check out our website: www.ministryeap.org. 

Follow us on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter (@ministryeap)

Call to talk on the phone or make an in-person appointment with an EAP counselor (800-540-3758) or e-mail us at eap@ministryhealth.org.

(Comments are welcome, but please be mindful that this is a public forum and nothing is confidential.)